I'm Famous in the Philippines...

The New Website/Blog!!!

2006-07-14T16:55:00.000-05:00

Hey guys- instead of checking here for the never posted blogs, check out holly and I's ministry site and blog at www.tjandholly.com and www.blogspot.tjandholly.com !!!!

the bunny story

2005-09-11T17:18:00.000-05:00

After reading BSC's Sunburn story, I realized that I, too, have a story that, while being of epic proportions, has not been recorded in written form and "published" in the verbal sprawl of the World Wide Web. This is a story that I have told countless times, and am somewhat famous for. It is true in both fact and spirit- I would not lie about something as serious as the bunny story, people. So, without any further ado- I give you "The Bunny Story".

As pets go, rabbits are not good ones. While intelligent, they are not percievably affectionate.While soft and cuddly, they can turn fierce as cornered mountain lions at the slightest provocation. You may not have known this, but I consider myself to have some authority on the matter, because, for a time, I lived with a bunny.

Christmas before my Senior year in HighSchool, my sister came bounding down the stairs to find that Santa has left her the cutest, furriest, most adorable little bunny in the world. It was a lop-eared Norwegian rabbit, white with brown and black spots all over the thickest and softest fur you can imagine. She immediately named him "Freckles". He came complete with food and cage, although in the months to follow, Freckles became well trained enough to live in the back yard, pretty much on his own. He would come when called, knew his name, pooped in the same little spot in the yard, and was generally not much trouble at all. My sister would bring him in to play with, mostly consisting of her holding him and then setting him down and then holding him again. That was about the extent of the bunny play. But- what he lacked in affection, he made up for in cuteness. My sister loved him.

Soon, it became evident that Freckles' "male urges" were changing his behavior. He became downright dangerous to hold because, at any moment, he would pump his unbelievably strong haunches and flare his razor sharp claws to scramble out of your arms. He also became horribly territorial. Our poodle, while outside to "do his business" would be subjected to a literal "bounce-by peeing", as Freckles would run past him, jump into the air and spray the most acrid-smelling urine all over our little dog, who was terrified of this bunny that was bigger than he was. In fact, Freckles would sometimes chase the poodle as he ran, hell-for-leather, frantic to be saved from the lop-eared menace. Freckles, who was once a cute little bunny, was now a full fledged "buck", and (our vet informed us) was most assuredly sewing his seed all over the neighborhood with the Cottontail girls.

None of this mattered to my sister. In her eyes, he was still the cutest, most lovable little fuzzball around. As much as he would let her, she doted on him.

A year came and went. I headed off to college and in a flash, I was done with my freshman year and back home working for my father for the summer. In that time, Freckles had taken to being gone for long spells of time. He would eventually show back up for a few carrots, but had taken to spending nights away with the neighborhood ladies. He required less and less upkeep, and I pretty much forgot we even had a rabbit. This was a key mistake.

One day, as I returned home from a long day of delivering magazines, I noticed our neighbor's dog loping down the street. It was a beautiful dog, an Alaskan Malamute, and I feared that someone might steal it if I didn't intervene. Plus, the added benefit was that Brooke, our neighbor, was hot. This is a girl that I had said ten words to in my life, mostly because my tongue melted if I got within a hundred feet of her.

She was a year older than me and, also, home for the summer. Here, finally, was my chance. I whistled to the dog, and it came bounding over to me and I grabbed the collar and led it back to Brooke's house. Knock, Knock.... nothing. Doorbell... nothing. No one home.

Ok, I thought, I can just keep the dog in our yard until Brooke comes home. I'll leave a message that says something like," Hi, Brooke, this is TJ. Your dog got loose but i've got it safe and sound over at my house. Gimme a call or just come on over when you get this message; we can go grab a bit to eat and then walk your dog back home." Yeah. Right.

That was the plan. Brooke would love me for saving this dog, I was sure. As I was pondering the details of such a proposition, I opened the gate to our backyard. As soon as I had taken two steps in, I knew that something was wrong. This dog, that only moments ago I had been gently leading as a family pet- I was now barely holding on to a rabid wolf. There was a flash of white across the yard, and I realized, with horror, what was happening. Freckles, the family bunny, had seen the Predator. The Predator had seen the bunny. Freckles was racing for his life diagonally across the yard, while Brooke's dog, my chance to win her love, is closing in from the opposite angle. One moment, I was in Suburbia, and the next moment it was Wild America. The rabbit bounded through the grass, trying to make it to the shed. In mid-leap, as Freckles was inches from safety, this wolf/dog caught Freckles in his jaws and began to shake him violently (some would say, like a Polaroid picture...).

Until this moment, I had never known that rabbits made sounds. I had always thought them mute, aside from little lettuce chomping noises. This is not so. As the dog began to shake Freckles, a scream, not unlike a baby's cry, escaped the rabbits' doomed throat. It literally sent chills down my spine.

My first inclination was to run over and stop this massacre, but as I got closer, the reality that this hundred pound beast had just savaged our twelve pound rabbit sunk in. I could only imagine what might happen to a hand, leg, or other body part that tried to stop such an activity. As I stand, rooted in horror, the Canine put the finishing touches on the food item in his jaws and the rabbit, mercifully, stopped screaming. Rest in Peace, Freckles.

The dog/wolf lays down, puts Freckles between his paws, and commences eating our family pet. What to do??... While I knew that Freckles was now in the Great Clover Patch in the Sky, I couldn't stand by and let this mongrel tear him apart and, literally, "wolf" him down. Still wondering if his more beastly insticts had subsided, I carefully picked up a stick and threw it across the yard. An interesting transformation occurred. This wild predator that, by now, had the blood of our bunny all over his jaws and face, perked up his ears, jumped up and chased the stick across the yard. I ran and picked up the still-warm, lifeless carcass of Freckles the bunny, and tried to figure out what to do.

I decided that come what may, no one should see the body, so I grabbed a shovel, went to the side yard, and dug a three foot grave and laid the rabbit in the bottom. After covering him up, and not quite knowing what to do next, I walked into the house and called my father. Our phone conversation went something like this...
"Uh, Dad, we have a problem."
" Whats the matter?"
"Our neighbor's dog just ate Freckles. "
" What?! How did he get into the back?"
" I might have let him in..."
" Oh, great. Is your sister home?"
" No, not yet- shell be home in twenty minutes."

As I am talking, I realize that I have also tracked in a mixture of dirt and rabbit blood all over my Mom's new, white, living room carpet. I inform my Father of this, as well.

" Youre really battin' a thousand, today, son."
"Dad- what do I do, Should I tell her?"
"First of all, get that dog out of the back. There was never any dog in our backyard, never. You havent see Freckles all day; you don't know where he could be. And above all, get that carpet cleaned, and cleaned NOW! if your mom sees that, youll wish the dog had eaten YOU."

I hang up the phone, go outside to take the dog back to Brooke's, and find that he is now lying down, covered in dirt, licking the bloody, dirty, dug-up carcass of Freckles the bunny. Apparently, I forgot that dogs dig. I pick up the stick, throw it again, and again the beast bounds off to retrieve it. Fierce, he is. Smart, he is not.

I bury the rabbit again, find some rope, take Killer over to Brooke's house, tie him to the Peartree in the front yard, come home, call Brooke's machine, leave a message that says," Uh, Brooke, about your dog... he got loose and I found him and he ate our rabbit- thats why he's covered in blood and tied to your tree. Sorry. Call me if you have questions."

Now- to the stained carpet. If you are ever in a situation to need blood stains out of a white carpet, "Resolve" is your friend. In five minutes of scrubbing, the carpet looked brand new. As I am getting up from my hands and knees, my sister walks through the front door.

I love my sister. I dont want anyone to think that I had anything but her best interest at heart, but as she walked out the back door and started to call for Freckles, I felt like dirty, low-down, rotten trash. And I was.

"No, I havent seen Freckles", I lied. Through the next few days, the whole family waited for Freckles to come home. My sister was just sure he would come back. I would come in the house and my father would look at me as if to say, " You deserve every pang of guilt you feel, buddy, but you better not tell your sister that a wolf ripped her bunny to peices in the backyard." I didn't. What I did do, was to walk with her through the neighborhood putting up "Lost Bunny" signs.

Eventually, my sister wised up. Almost two years later, when the pain of loss had subsided a bit, I gave her a stuffed bunny that looked alarmingly like an inert Freckles, and informed her that, indeed, a hungry beast-dog had eaten Freckles the bunny. She wasnt too suprised, but she did not forgive me for a long, long, long time.

And that, ladies and gents, is The Bunny Story.

Fare thee well, Landscaping

2005-09-04T15:43:00.000-05:00

Well, ladies and gentlemales, the time has come, once again, for TJ to say goodbye to his summer employment. During the four months of sweat, blood, RedBull and tears, I have found more and more reasons why it is better to sell CDs than it is to mow lawns. There are no swarms of killer bees pouring out of hidden holes on the road. There are no frustratingly stubborn mexicanos who ride next to you and pump Psychedelic Mariachi music or Selena tribute albums all day, every day. At the end of the day on a tour, I smell like whatever paper-wrapped fast food item I have thrown the remnants of into my floorboard. During the summer, I smell like gas, smoke, dirt, sweat, oil, gatorade, and grass. Actually, I might rather smell like landscaping... but anyway- the point is... that I am no longer TJ the Lawn guy. I am now, once again... TJMCCLOUD.COM. Yeah right. Mr "McLood", at Ghettocreek High School is more like it...

In honor of my last day of landscaping, I would like to share a story. It comes secondhand, from my "patrone", or supervisor this summer. He and I became pretty good friends during the summer, and he told me this story. It is too good not to tell. It is, very likely, 100% true.

My buddy on the lawn crew is a recovering alcoholic. Since it is called Alcoholics Anonymous, we will leave his name as J.P. J.P. has been sober for a few years now, and helps out occasionally with counseling and treatment of other addicts. Sometimes this can get a little edgier than one would like, especially when a person is extremely addicted and is going through withdrawals. The practice is to rent a seedy motel room, tie the affected person to the bed, and ween them through their sweats, pain, tremors, and dementia with vodka, mixed with gatorade. Usually two adult males sit with the person, administering the cocktail every four hours or so until the next shift of volunteers shows up, eight hours later.

This particular incident stuck out in JP's mind for what will shortly be obvious reasons.

As he walked in to the little motel room, he felt something strange might happen. The two guys whose shift had ended opened the door, handed them the mixture, and said "Good luck, yall.", with a look in their eyes that said they expected the opposite. JP and his partner, newly sober Kenny, walked into the room and were astounded to see a two hundred and eighty pound Mexican American strapped to the bed, mumbling and cursing under his breath. He had an impressive FuMancu, biceps as big around as watermelons, and tattoos covering most of his upper body that could not have been saying nice things at all. He looked uncannily like From Dusk Till Dawn's Danny Trejo- and not the nice Danny,but the roided-out, vampire Danny.

It was evident, from the first, that this was not a guy who did anything half way- he would switch between pleading like a helpless child for extra rations of "vodka-rade" to thrashing in a way that suggested he might just be able to break out if he decided to stop playing nicely.

Kenny, our new convert, was pretty white-bread, middle class- and was terrified from the start. When El Terrible started to froth and curse for the first time, he just about bolted. His idea of AA was a meeting and a sponsor, not this semi-exorcism in a dank motel room. JP encouraged him to stay, mostly out of self-preservation, and Ken agreed. As he rolled up his sleeves and took his position at the foot of the bed, the Meximonster settled down. His eyes were unmistakably fixed on Kenny. Kenny looked at JP for help- JP shrugged and mouthed "What! I dont know...."

It was then that EL Musculo spoke, for the first time, intelligibly.

" You got big muscles", he said to a quivering Kenny.

No answer.

"You got beeig muusscles", the man said again, plaintively, almost quietly.

Kenny blurted..." Uh, uh... yeah.. thanks. I dont know- I work out...?"

The man's eyes moved slowly over Kenny's stocky physique.

"Show me yo' muusssels."

"Huh?", said Kenny, more in dread than in question.

"Show me your muusssles, under that shirt you got on. " Louder, now... more forceful. "You got big muscles, muscles like Daddy.... Yeaaah.... Mmmm Muscles like Daddy"

Apparently, now he was Daddy, in this exchange.

At this point, Kenny gathers his things to leave, deciding if anyone was going to show any muscles, he would like to be miles and miles away. JP stopped him.

" You cant leave! Are you really going to let me stay here alone? Step outside if you have to, but do NOT leave me here with this. This guy wants to get sober and we are his only chance right now."

Kenny sat back down and, keeping one eye on the door and one on Daddy, he said he would stay.

The man in the bed started to rock the bedframe back and forth, screaming," Big Muscles like Daddy! Big Muscles like daddy! BEEEEEIIGG MUSCULOS LIKE DAADDY!" He was ranting and thrashing and literally foaming at the mouth, and then in one second, it was over, and his voice was a quiet whisper, he said, in a low, quiet commanding tone ,"show me your muscles."

JP looked at Kenny and let him know that he was to take off his shirt, and NOW. Kenny pleaded, tried to leave, but in the end, had pledged to stay and help this man, who wants to be sober, any way he can. And what was more, if El Furioso continued in this manner, the ties that held him from unthinkable acts would surely break soon. So, not knowing what else to do, and believing this to be quite possibly the last day of his strictly hetero-sexual life, Kenny grabbed his shirttales and pulled his shirt over his slightly pudgy, mostly muscular physique. He then adjusted and cleaned his glasses on the discarded shirt and waited for whatever was going to happen next.

The man in the bed moaned, panted, grunted... and then his eyes rolled back in his head as he passed out cold. The Meximonster was gone, replaced by a hulk of sleeping tattoos, strapped to a metal bed.

Several hours later, JP and Kenny left, handing the cocktails and tattoos over to the next team. JP thought about warning the new team, but , then, they would have no such story to tell.

Farewell, landscaping, I will miss you.

TJ in 20 years

2005-08-21T17:32:00.000-05:00

NO- its not me- its Rick Rockwell, 4th rate celebrity from 1999's "Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire?", but, as I was horrified to find out, we look a lot like each other. Brandon sent out an email our freshman year- alerting every friend I had of the coincidence. Yeah- I know- its funny, but kind of creepy, too. Not sure why I was thinking about it this weekend- but, here we are. It really does look freakily like me.

If you see me singing in the car...

2005-08-20T18:41:00.000-05:00

Ok- After being tapped by BSC, here is the list of what I have in my car at the moment.

Toad the Wet Sprocket- Dulcinea

Great album from a consistently good group that is no more. Glen Phillips went out on his own and i dont like it as much.

Ray Lamontagne- Trouble

I talked about him a few days ago, but he is soo good. When I first heard him, i was driving through Minneapolis, and really thought they were playing some forgotten Bside from 1973. "Jolene" is the best cut, i believe.

Rich Mullins- A liturgy, a Legacy, and a Ragamuffin Band

This guy continues to redefine they way I think abou God- he is so strong, lyrically and he really goes for interesting instrumentation in his songs- mountain hammered dulcimer? The world lost a lot when he died in 1997. His life is even more compelling than his music- he was one of the biggest stars in Christian music and lived on a reservation teaching kids music. Wow

Josh Rouse- 1972

Not a great album, singer, songwriter, or musicican, but it is easy to listen to. Much better is "Nashville"- (2004)

Derek Webb- I see things upside down

Again, great lyrics that make you think hard about the Christian life. This album is really concerned with what it means to be in a Christian culture that worships its own righteousness rather than showing the brokenness that God wants from us.

Ray- The Soundtrack

Im not going to tell you I was the biggest Ray fan since forever and everyone else is a posuer, but i have loved Ray Charles for a long time. What I did not know until the movie came out, was how important he was to music and culture in America and that he did not ever record a song that I dont like. Now that is amazing.

I now tap Gsub and the Juice to tell us what is in their ipods at the moment. Thats about it- more to come- until next time, Buenos Noches, America!

drinks blood, yet still polite

2005-08-19T20:43:00.000-05:00

Holly and I have a guest. To be specific, we are subletting our front porch to a large garden spider. Usually, this would send me into spasms of fear and horror... and it did, at first.

You see, I am unaccountably terrified of spiders. I have no idea why. There is no traumatic incident in my past involving arachnids, and I am not, generally, squeamish about any sort of creepy- crawly. There is just something about spiders. They are so, so fast. They have eight legs. They wrap other things up in webs and drink thier blood. They have tons of little eyes to watch my every move.

However, this spider is different. Every night, he sets up his web, stringing it across our front eaves, directly in front of our porch light. This in itself is amazing to me. He knows that the bugs like the light, so he builds a web in front of our light source, which is only sometimes on. Who knew the little buggers were that smart? Also- every morning, I come out of the front door expecting a face full of web, and find that he has taken his little shop of death down. Sets it up at night, takes it down for the day. Amazing! He is, literally, the most polite spider I have ever known. Charlotte would love this guy.

I have claimed him as our very own spider. His name is "Ocho, the polite arachnid", but just Ocho, for short. He will not change my mind about his cousins, but I can handle a spider that is considerate.

P.S- In researching Ocho, I have found that he is actually a "she", and that right now, she is looking for a mate. There is a 50/50 chance that she will eat her husband immediately after sex. 'Atta girl, Ocho!

Ray LaMontZane

2005-08-16T23:40:00.000-05:00

For an early birthday present, my beautiful and thoughtful wife, Holly, presented me with tickets to see our new favorite artist, Ray LaMontagne. He was grrrreat!

This guy is such a poet- listening to his album for the first time, I nearly cried after hearing " Jolene". Still get a lump in my throat when I hear it. Not only does he have the smooth, smoky voice of a white Al Green or a young Van Morrison, but he is utterly, and completely down to earth. Looked as though he would rather be anywhere else than on stage, in front of 1200 people. Amazing to see someone so talented, yet so uncomfortable with his gift and the audience's appreciation of it. Endearing, to say the least.

While getting into line, we also bumped into one of our other favorite artists/friends, Zane Williams.

He fell back in line with us and we talked all night. He, on the other hand, is an amazing performer, and has a heart of gold as well.

Good concert, good company, good wife. All combine for a great evening, even though I am an old man who had to leave a little early to wake up for work.

2005-08-14T21:28:00.000-05:00

So Friday morning wasnt the most relaxing.

I walk out- find my tire is flat. Ugh. No big deal, but ugh. Ok- lets change a tire. Ive done it a few times in my life- shouldnt be a problem. BUT- i dont have a jack for my car- only Holly's car, the Jetta. I take out her jack, crank the car up a bit, then realize that I dont have a tire- iron that fits my car. Hmm. OK- AutoZone is down the street. I drive over, grab a tire iron and a jack (since I dont have one), and head back to the house. Put the car down, loosen the lugnuts, crank up the car again, take the tire off.... then.... well... Im quite embarrassed about this one- dont tell my father in law... the car, which was too heavy for the Jetta jack in the first place, starts to lean out and fall over. I scramble out of the way and watch the car fall onto the brake cylinder.

At this point Holly comes out, and politely asks if she needs to call AAA. Are you kidding me? I got me into this mess- im gonna get me out. I take the new jack, realize that it is too short for my car, go get some bricsk to set it on, crank up the car again, realize that the jack is still set too far back on the frame and is starting to lean..... take it down, put the Jetta jack back on (just for a second), crank back up the new jack closer to the wheel well, check the brake cylinder (as if I could tell if there was something wrong...) and put the tire on. This only took two hours. I only cried once, out of frustration and self loathing.

I think Dale Jr needs a new pit crew member. Maybe Ill apply.

I then go to work, late, and jump on a mower. I take one swipe across the lawn and run over a nest of ground bees. I have never ran so fast or been so angry at the air around me in my life. I left the mower running,blades spinning and headed for a ditch, as I ran like a girl, kicking and screaming and cursing and swatting. I was stung fifteen times, all on my legs- because I was late for work, I wore the only thing clean... shorts.

As I am recovering my senses, scenes from "My Girl" start to run through my head. I dont even know if Im allergic to bees- im allergic to everything, surely bees are included.... but to my relief, minutes passed and I didnt stop breathing or go into anaphylactic shock, so I guessed I was fine, other than the overwhelming desire to cut my legs off.

This is what it is like to be TJ for a morning. Amazing I got to 24, huh?

new song lyrics

2005-08-09T21:59:00.000-05:00

Not much is new- but this song is kind of new- no mp3file yet, just words for now.

We Are Fallen, (mccloud)

Who are we to come to you
When we’ve taken our inheritance
When everything we’ve had- we lose
You give yourself as recompense

For every time we bow to you
There are more times we bow to ourselves
And when our desires come crashing through
You stoop to fill these empty shells

And does this love---- have no end
Can it put our hearts back together again?

Cause we are fallen,
We are broken
We have thrown your love away
But Merciful Father
May our hearts open
And be made anew in your grace

I have never seen a love like this
You are faithful to the end
And when Im tempted by this world’s dark kiss
You have carried me again and again and again

Cause we are fallen,
We are broken
We have thrown your love away
But Merciful Father
May our hearts open
And be made anew in your grace

Dog days of Summer

2005-07-31T15:10:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I think Sundays were a gift from God to us. Then, I realize that they were, actually, a gift from God to us. I need to live with a better appreciation of that (as if im not lazy enough).

Today is one of those Sundays. Taught class this morning, went to a new members luncheon for a free lunch- with only a few cars to help park before and chairs to fold up after- We came home and both laid down on the couches (Holly on the short couch, me on the long couch) to read our books, and both Holly and I fell asleep within three pages. That, ladies and gents, is a great Sunday afternoon. I have had better, but not too many better, that is fo' shizzle. In an hour or so, we will get ready to go to lifegroup, meet with some close friends, and catch up on whats going on in thier lives. Top that, i dare you. (and no stories about childbirth or anything sappy like that... I mean, normal days, here)

Yesterday was also a great day. We slept in a few hours, got up, decided to take a walk up to the used bookstore across from the Lipscomb campus. We figured on the walk taking a little while, since it is about two miles from our little duplex, but, truthfully we both felt so optimistically sporty that we didnt think too much about it. Gus, our ten pound Schnorkie (shnauser/yorkie mix) is full of boundless energy, and just the day before had run two miles with Holly. Two miles on his little four legs is quite a haul, but he seemed eager the whole way and didnt have any problems. Yesterday, however, we somehow found his limit.

We walked up to the bookstore, and he seemed excited the whole way. He drank some water we brought at several points during the walk, but really seemed like he was doing fine. We got the the used bookstore, looked around (gus mainly sniffed around... old books must smell very interesting, in much the same way as poop is interesting), made a few selections, and then walked next door to a pizza/sandwich shop to get some lunch and eat at the Lipscomb playground. Gus was happy with this arrangement and laid down in the shade while we ate and talked for a while. As we started to walk home, however, it became apparent that Gus had had enough. Every ten steps or so, he would plant his heels into a shady spot on the side of the road and plop down. We gave him more water. Ten steps, then PLOP. We gave him some rest. Ten steps, the PLOP. He would literally just be walking normally, then fall over and let us drag him on his leash for a few inches. It was pretty funny, as he just looked at us like" you've got to be kidding me- seriously... go get the car."

At some point I got worried about him overheating and decided that we better carry him for a while. I picked him up, but he wriggles around until im holding him like a baby, on his back, in a cradle, with his legs up in the air and his head hanging off my arm and tongue lolling out, inspecting the world upside down and from four feet up. Apparently Gus was quite pleased with this arrangement, because for the rest of the 2-point-something miles, he insisted on being chauffered home. So here Holly and I are, walking down our neighborhood street, with this little hairy bundle that looks disturbingly like a dead dog in my arms. Several people along the way asked us if we needed help, "Is your dog Ok?", one man who had stopped mowing his lawn said. "Yeah, hes just tired", I said, realizing how stupid I looked carrying this dog/baby. But, in the end, there was nothing for it, because the little Gusbuster had run out of steam and saw no reason at all why we couldnt just lie down in the shade of someone's lawn and take a nap.

We got home and Gus slept for the rest of the day, pretty much, and most of the day today... but truthfully, thats not much different than any other day for him. As it is, today Im wishing that every day were Saturday and Sunday afternoons- or that I was a dog. Just not one that eats poop.

I'll be there for you...

2005-07-27T21:17:00.000-05:00

Something big happened yesterday. We got some more friends. And when I say friends, I mean F*R*I*E*N*D*S. Season 6 and7 in the mail. You see, Ross, Rachel, Phoebe, Joey, Chandler and Mon are Holly and I's best friends on earth. We spend several hours a week with all six of them, know intimate details of their lives, and pretty much know what they will say before they say it. I have known them almost as long as I have known Brandon Carter- and that is a long time. Friends started when I was 13 and ended when I was 23. Those are formative years. Who I am, sadly, is partly due to these guys.
I know this is not normal. I know that this is more than mildly pathetic. But , truthfully, I dont really care. At this moment, I am watching Joey get used to living with Elle MacPherson, Ross has reaaally white teeth, and Pheebs just made out with kenny the copy guy because she thought he was Ralph Lauren.
Are we alone here? WIll I be watching these DVDs when I am 50? I mean, these episodes are becoming the background of Holly and I's home life. Its always on. This is worse than Brandon and I with Billy Madison, our freshman year. I dont think my parents felt this way about Cheers, I mean, they loved Cheers, but they didnt know which shirt Sam wore in the final episode. There is just something about these six people who I grew up with... I love them. We love them. Are you with me, or am I as gay as Chanandler Bong?

Look like Christ?

2005-07-16T19:56:00.000-05:00

I am increasingly aware that I am a well- educated, upper middle class white man, trying to serve a homeless God. We are studying Luke and Acts, and talking about discipleship...what it means to be formed into the image of Christ. There have been several parts that have taken me a little off guard. Things like. "the rich already have their reward", and "sell all you own and give it to the poor". Jesus talks in some hard words... words that I have never really taken seriously. Maybe it is because I have some things now... some worldly possessions... a comfortable life that I enjoy...but i hear those words and cringe.
I am the rich young ruler. I can do all the stuff, follow all the commandments, but when it comes to allowing the Gospel to cause me to live in a way that is uncomfortable? No way. I mean, we are called to provide for our families right? I have to buy a house.. its a good investment, right? We have to live in a safe neighborhood, right? What if God provides for my family. What if we really arent supposed to gather up treasures on earth, like "good investments"? What if God keeps my family safe and I live in faith that He will?
I am not saying any of those things are bad. Just that I take for granted that it's the only way to live a life. You get married, you rent for a while, you buy a house in a cute neighborhood, you have a baby, you save for the baby's future, you work a job and "provide" with as much as you can...
Im just kind of questioning all that right now- Seems like all our Nashville friends are on the way to all of that, and there is nothing bad about it, other than we arent sure that its what we are really called to, as disciples. Am I really being formed into Christ's image if I look just like everyone else around me?
I have to believe that a Gospel so amazing and revolutionary would call me to something more than going to church on Sundays and giving my 10% (which we dont even really do right now, even). What if we are called to a life of sacrifice, like Christ. To die to ourselves, instead of continuing to feed our faces with our own ability to provide for our needs.
I dont know- thats the thing. I know there is a line somewhere that separates using the brain God gave you to live our life in a responsible way, and giving it all away and living like a hermit because our poverty becomes our pride. I just dont know where the line is. The thing is- when you ask someone about some of the harder things Jesus said concerning money... they usually tell you..."well, you know, he isnt talking literally... its all about the heart, you see." Which is true, but most of the people who will tell you that have money. There is a place for wealth in the Christian life, I have seen it- People who give away amazing amounts of money to great causes and bless others through generosity. So where is the line? How does the camel get through the needle- because it seems like, in our churches, lots of camels are getting through. Has the needle gotten bigger? Have the camels gotten smaller?
What do yall think? I dont want to sound too counter-cultural here, but i think the Gospel does call us to be different and look different and act different, and most importantly- put our trust in different things than the world... but i just dont see it im my own life. I look just like everyone else, and most christians look just like non- christians until it comes to Sunday morning. When do I start to look like Jesus? When does my life become strange and foreign to the world? Just some thoughts, i guess, but if I had to guess... some of yall are thinking the same thing. Any answers? Love yall- TJ

Huge, life changing meeting today...PSYCHE!!!!!!!

2005-07-12T13:51:00.000-05:00

So I had another meeting today. Last month, and the month before that, and the month before that, I met with a company that has been interested in signing me as a writer. I have, until recently, not really wanted to write only, but be a performing artist.
This last year on the road changed my mind. I got home this spring and really wanted to stay there for a while. Too many hotel rooms, too many miles and gas stations and Zingers, too many shows for groups that didnt care who was up there singing... I just really got burned out on the idea of that being my life. Constantly being away from Holly and out of the loop with friends and church and family... Got real old.
I know that some artists' lives look much different than mine. Some artists have their own private love jet. SOme artists are sponsored on thier tours by Absolut. Some artists travel with an entire entourage of homeboys and souljah's, just to keep it real. I, however, realized somewhere down the line that the vast majority of singer/songwriters do this, mostly, on thier own. Yeah, maybe they have a Belmont sophomore riding along and selling t-shirts s thier "tour manager", but for the most part, especially in the Xian market, if you arent at the very, very top... you arent riding with your wifey in the Passenger Seat (love that pun) and your posse in the second tour bus behind you. Most low- to mid level artists pretty much do exactly what I do, just with a song or two on the radio that sells a few more cds.
This is not to say that I dont want to perform. I do- just not every day, 500 miles from where I was yesterday, alone, and in the TourTurtle ( myRav4). I enjoy the solitude sometimes- the books on tape, the variety of roadside meal choices...- but for the most part, if I could do that less and be creative more... that would hit the spot. I also feel more and more the pull of ministry... are there other things that I really want to be doing? Of course. Could I see myself in the Dominican Republic with my cute tan wife and our Gusbuster? Yep. But... Im not ready. Holly's not ready. Gus is always ready, as long as there is bacon available.
So, Im supposed to meet with this guy today. Last time we talked, he told me all sorts of nice things and how he wanted me to be one of his "go- to guys" when he had artists looking for songs. I was told that he wanted me to work with many of my favorite artists on songs- that he really felt comfortable throwing me into the fire like that. And that he was ready to go back and get some stuff in order to make me an offer. I said great- Ill call you when i get back in town. Well, im back in town. I called. He set an appointment for today. I showed up. As I walk in- his secretary gives me an "Oh..., he didnt call you did he?" face. Meeting is cancelled- resch. for next Wed.
I am not sure what to expect. I was dissapointed today, mostly because I got worked up about the meeting... Listening to Rich Mullins in the parking lot to psyche me up... and it didnt happen. Im tired of seeing another way to do this and not being able to walk through the door. If he wants to do this- lets do it. If not, cool. I really think i trust this guy and feel like if he says he wants me then he wants me- but people in nashville rarely mean what they say, and i am a little uneasy. I would really like to work with this guy- do this thing... write for artists and continue to perform on my own, just when it suits me... not when NorthPlatte Nebraska Community College wants me to come and waste an hour of my life singing to their zombie kids. This might just give me the open door into the industry that i have needed. Lots of artists get thier start by writing for others, this could be the case for me. Or- it could just be one more thing that bounces me along towards God's will (the actual will- not the retarded boy in the song... although I wish I had written that song...).

We miss you, Dante...

2005-06-29T22:46:00.000-05:00

I am back. Back into the wide world of blogging- the BLOGOSPHERE, if you will. I stopped for a short while (five months) in order to properly mourn the death of my dog, Dante. He died last time I blogged, on easter. He was a rescue and was terrified of me, and I accidentally let him out when Holly was gone on a mission trip for a week. He ran and ran and ran and I ran after him- then he ran in front of a car, and it was over. Sad, sad day. I had to pick Holly up from the airport and tell her her dog was gone. He loved Holly... I mean LOVED her. Hated me. So, soon after, we adopted another cuddy little pound puppy, who, interestingly enough, was named TJ when Holly found him online. We named him Gus, short for Augustus, and we are often guilty of calling him "The Gusbuster."
The funny thing about Blogging is... there is not much worth talking about in my life these days. I have cut the touring down, fired my booking agent for the second time, working landscaping, and trying to get a publishing deal signed. Havent heard anything back from the publisher, other than he wants to make me an offer. Thought maybe he would call back...maybe not. Ill keep you posted.
COme back and read whats going on- Ill be blogging on a regular basis now- i promise. See yall- TJ

Home Alone

2005-03-21T13:12:00.000-06:00

Being in Nashville alone is sooo much worse than being on the road alone. Dante and I are booorred. I forget how much that I really dont do here in nashville. Aside from the occasional sub-job and church- i think Holly and I must just sit around all the time. Since she left on Friday, I think the only times i have been off the couch have been to go fishing, get up and get my guitar, go to the library, and take the dog out.
Oh, and we did go to the part yesterday to sniff around. I basically felt bad for Dante because he just sits around and looks at the door, just sure that Holly will come through any minute. So I took him out and just let him lead me for a while, sniffing at every blade of grass at this little park by our house. I am always puzzled why the smell of other dogs poop is so fascinating to him. I mean, he goes Sherlock on it- sniffing from every angle and position... upwind, downwind, and I pull him away just before he ventures that little tongue out to taste... gross. Thats the one thing I would not like about being a dog. Well, that and the food- ive tasted his dogfood and it's not gourmet, I dont care what the bag says.
Anyway- back to being lonely. We have three TV stations at our house. Three. One of them is PBS. So... two, really.
Although, I watched a documentary on Elvis and his gospel roots- and one on Appalacian music... so I guess I got my tax money out of it this weekend.
The dishes are kind of scary. Im sure the sink was empty when I left- and I could not have used all the dishes that are in there now. Someone is eating on all my plates. You know when the sink is so full of dishes that you cant figure out how to start washing them? Im past that point.
ANd the house? I forgot what a slob I am. And Dante- there is so much hair... i cant believe how much he loses- I would have thought he would be naked by now.
Also- since i am married and have a "perma-friend", I have forgotten how few other friends I have in nashville. There is Donnie- who is very busy, good for him. There is Blake Howard, who also is curiously busy... and the guys from our lifegroup. I went fishing and watched boxing with Jon Essner- caught a few... but Im convinced that I am a bad luck charm... He usually catches tons of fish, but everytime I go with him- we catch like three. Im trying to think- do I have any other single friends in town? Caroline... but Im not looking to hang out with a bunch of girls.
I guess what it all boils down to - what I really want is for my closest, prettiest, sexiest friend to come back soon. (No brandon and Jarod- Im not talking about you guys.) Im glad that she is there- (she is having a blast, by the way- she says hi) but I dont like me without her. Thats about it.

Songs for Sale...

2005-03-17T13:12:00.000-06:00

The meeting went well. Today I met with a "big" guy in Christian music (as big as the Xian industry gets, anyway...). He had been interested about a year and a half ago, right when i came out of college, in me coming and writing music under his publishing/management/record company. I didnt know what I was doing and really wanted to accomplish a few things before he and I talked again- so... I waited a year and a half, got married, moved to nashville, toured full time (with a little landscaping and sub. teaching...), recorded an album, released an album, sold many units of said album, and now here I am, talking to the same guy about the same thing.
Mostly, I feel like I STILL don't know what I am doing. We did the books tonight and realized that after I pay Wally, Shell Gasoline, McDonalds, and George Bush- I made exactly... something like...around... a thousand dollars from these last shows. Wow. Raking it in, TJ. Not that we have not been successful- we have. But being away from Holly for three weeks is not worth a thousand dollars profit.
It has been an amazing year that has taught me so much about God's will and my own lack of trust in Him and in myself. The album is good, better than I ever thought it would be. The connections that I have made are good- lots of guys in town have worked hard to have less. God continues to bring people into my life who uplift,support, encourage (and promote) me. And here I am sometimes still wondering what the heck Im doing in Nashville.
Yet, this Nashville dream has taken an interesting turn.
It could be a step forward. It could be a sidebar. It could mean a possible end to a certain part of this dream. I dont know yet, and wont know for a while.
This guy, this music guy, tells me today that he still is really interested in me coming to work for him as a songwriter. Basically, he tells me that he doesnt see me as an artist right now- the album is good, the voice is good, the image is OK... but the songs... the songs are great, he tells me. So he wants the songs- and more of them... for his artists, and other artists, too. His company pitches them to other artists. If that song gets on the radio- I get paid. He gets paid. (this is a very loose explanation)
He says -from this point, I can get to know the industry- I can make connections- I can co-write with some great writers and artists- and continue to do what i am doing independently with my music. I can still record and sell indie albums, I can still tour and play, like I am doing now. There is still a possibility that someone could want to sign me as an artist- actually, a better possibility in some instances. Lots of guys get their start writing for other people. As a signed writer, some booking agents would be more open to working with me- booking me in the places that my current company can't really put me.
So- do I want to do this? Do I want to see myself primarily as a writer, and not an artist? Can I stomach other people going out and playing my songs night after night? I guess it all depends on the royalty checks... but truthfully- i think it is something I COULD do. When I get right down to it- if someone offered me a chance to be be the next John Mayer or Maroon 5 or Garth Brooks or whoever is huge right now- I dont know that I would jump at the chance. Do I really want to be that? Spend that kind of time? Do I really want to be on the road even more than I am right now? The truth is- I WANT to get paid more to do less of the travel and more of the creative stuff. Maybe this is an answer...?
I am getting together with one of his other staff writers to talk about what its like to work for the company- that will happen next week sometime, and until then, I will probably worry and fret and think and wonder and freak out.
Also- I got a call from the guy who I met with a few weeks ago- the guy who wanted to send me to Amsterdam... he wants me to play in the Tin Pan South- Christian showcase. Its the first christian stage at this big writer's/publishers' weekend here in nashville and it should be a good place to get heard and seen by industry folk... pumped to be asked to do that. Thats a good step forward..., but again, as a songwriter, not as an artist, really.
All in all- it was a good day- however stressful the opportunities might be- they are still opportunities. It may or may not be a step towards what I am looking for- but we will see. It will take some time and prayer to figure it out (yours and mine!)... but for now- I guess Im happy to have something new to worry about.
Thanks for reading this monster of a blog
Love you guys-
P.S.- I forgot green today and escaped all the pinches. Why am I sad about that?

Gua-te-ma-love

2005-03-16T13:12:00.000-06:00

Being back home is good. I have been around for the last few days- trying to meet with people and get the CD into some important ears... no huge progress yet, but we shall see. The week is not over yet. I did have some good news, though- Oklahoma Christian wants to bring me in next week- Im pumped about that- been trying to get that going for a while, now.
And last, but not least... Holly is going to Guatemala this week.
Yesterday one of the ministers in charge of missions came to her and asked if she wanted to go- they had an extra ticket and needed a translator. All expenses paid- just show up and speak in tongues. She is really excited- this is her passion- it would be like me getting a call to open up for James Taylor next week. (he called but I had some other stuff going on...)
The tables are now turned. Instead of me being the one running all over the world having fun and living crazy (like thats what I do)- she is now the globetrotter, leaving me home to watch the dog and keep the house decently clean. I have to say Im a little sad, mostly because when she gets back it will be time for me to leave again... but Im really excited for her to go and have this experience. She has worked so hard to help support my dreams and ambitions, Im pumped that she has the chance to go and reconnect with hers. Plus, Ill drive to OC next week and maybe stick around a few days in Tulsa or Dallas, depending on how the rest of the week shakes out.
Im having coffee in the morning with Zane Williams- if you havent heard him- you need to- He is one of my true heroes and an amazing artist. He is coming out with a new CD in the next few months that was produced by Mitch Dane ( Waterdeep, Jarsof Clay, Bebo Norman) and im sure it will be kickin. check him out at www.zanesadventure.com
Also tomorrow- Im meeting with Michael Blanton- He is one of the biggest guys in Christian Music- manages the careers of MW Smith and Amy Grant- Bebo Norman, and tons of others... also has a billion connections- im not sure what to expect from him- he hasnt heard the CD yet, but has been interested in me in the past, even if not as an artist. Pretty sure I'm going to get a "best wishes" and "lots of luck"... but you never know, I guess. In any case, he is a great guy who has been really kind to me through some of this madness. You guys be praying for me there- Im pretty nervous about this one!
Talk to you later- TJ

Leaving Las Vegas

2005-03-13T13:12:00.000-06:00

Well-
here I am with all the other losers.... McCarran Intl. Airport in LasVegas, NV. We all came here for a good time and I guess most of us got what we paid for. There are only a couple of people at the terminal that look like they might have lost more than they could be happy about.
Holly and I met Brandon, one of my best friends and college roomates. We grew up together, went to college together and now live light years apart- he is in Salt Lake and I am in Nashville. Kind of wierd to not have him around for the last year or so. He and his wife moved to Salt Lake- he works for the Jazz- definitely a dream come true for him.
Well- we all met this weekend in Vegas to have a kind of reunion- stayed with one of thier cousins and walked the strip for a few days.
I was interested in Vegas. It gets so much press... but I found that it really is not what I expected. Did not expect the smoke.Everyone in Vegas smokes. Everyone smokes everywhere. There are very few places that are smoke free... and as a nerdy asthmatic- i was fighting my lungs the whole weekend. Im not sure I could get that much smoke in my lungs if I actually lit up- As a result- It makes an otherwise flashy, sparkling, exciting place kind of feel dingy and trashy.
The other thing I didnt expect was the old people. Vegas is full of old, old people. Not all the pretty people you see on the Monday night TV show. If they are not old- they are big. Big big big. If they arent big- they are wearing clothes that leave too little to the imagination- which truthfully- is fine for the showgirls... but not the grandmas.
Would have gambled more, but i really dont know how. Everything is hard... even the slots... i have no idea how to start playing craps, and even roulette can really be confusing if the table moves fast. Youd think they would want to make it easy to spend money there.
We had a really great time, though. There is something alluring to the millions of lights- and it feels like you spend the whole time looking for your "perfect" Vegas... feeling like it is right around the corner, surely. Maybe the Bellagio.
There is a lot to do in Vegas, though. We had fun on some of the rides and there is always something going on... nothing seems out of place we drove down one neighborhood road on the way home and found five teenagers spitting fire in the street. we watched them for a bit and drove on. In nashville, there would be police on you in five minutes. people would freak. The food is good, the show that we went to was great and the people were fun to watch. that may have been the best part... it was NASCAR weekend... Im sure you can imagine how that changed the Vegas dynamic for us. Probably not the best weekend to gauge an experience. Never seen so many mullets.
The best part of the trip was just spending time with a close friend and remembering how much fun we can have together, especially when there are people around who are asking to be made fun of....
Holly flew out to nashville last night and I am flying out to Chicago tonight to drive home. Looking forward to being home for a bit!

More Coffee and Homelessness

2005-03-09T13:12:00.000-06:00

So I am Homeless again. This is a common feeling for me. Since I travel so much, and only sometimes have a hotel room waiting for me, I often feel like I have nowhere- nowhere to sit and read or talk on the phone or write music or whatever. It is an interesting feeling and one that makes me lonelier than i like to admit sometimes.
I guess my car might be considered home- or even "homey"- especially since it is so messy, but truthfully, it doesnt quite do the job. Something about four walls and a bed make you feel like you belong there, if only for the night.
I got up this morning from the Sheraton and had a late check-out. I love late check outs, cause it delays the amount of time you spend looking for somewhere to kill time before your show that evening. I turn in the key card and head out to the car. A pint of milk from the gas station and the cereal I brought with me is breakfast/lunch. I sit, munching on "Kashi GoLean Crunch", listening to Rush Limbaugh, and looking at a map of Ancient Greece that I brought with me. (The books I have been reading are set there- Pressfield's "Last of the Amazons" and "The King Must Die" by Mary Renault. ) After draining the tupperware container of leftover milk, I pull out of the parkinglot and head to the nearest movie theatre(er). It is connected to a Mall and doesnt open until 1:00, so I walk around and browse the empty stores. 1:00 rolls around and I elect to see "The Jacket", an indie film with Adrian Brody, Kiera Knightley, and Kris Kristofferson (love that guy). Not a good choice. Kiera went topless in this one and I have to say... it made me really mad. I love Kiera, and have seen just about everything she's been in- did not want to see her sans-clothes. Its like seeing Sandra Bullock or Meg Ryan naked. Girls you love on screen but don't think of like that... No reason for it. The movie was pretty slow and confusing and kind of depressing-(as all indie films seem to be).
Get out of the movie and browse through Barnes & Noble- found a place to listen to any CD eve MADE... wow. I spent three hours there listening to the entire catalog of my favorite artists. Van Morrison, James Taylor, John Prine (new favorite),and a bunch of folk artists that I had never heard of. some good stuff- nothing remarkable.
Left there and moved on to another coffee shop to check email and drink another Chai. So here I am. It is owned by some east-Africans who are very nice and let me just sit here all evening on the computer. I felt obliged to buy another drink after an hour or so, but truthfully, it is a small price to pay to feel connected- connected to Jonathan's hospital room in NYC, connected to Fuller in Grand Rapids, connected to Holly as I bug her to death with emails- the show is at 9:30 tonight and then I am done with MN for this spring. Hopefully.
After the show tonight I am driving back to Chicago to step on a plane and meet Holly, Brandon Carter and his wife Lori in Las Vegas!!!! I am so pumped. he and I havent seen each other in about a year.. and Lori set this up as his Bday present. I have no idea how to gamble, but we are going to blow every bit of our $20 or come away with millions. I feel it. My game will be roulette... or craps... Or maybe I just have to go to the bathroom.
Wish me luck- TJ

Wanna trade?

2005-03-08T13:12:00.000-06:00

There are times, like today, that I would love to trade jobs with someone. A baker. A landscaper. A minister. A church secretary. Im sure that somewhere there is someone who would love to trade with me. Lets go day for day. Ill give you my day for yours.
I started this day(s) yesterday at 3:00pm. I packed up and left nashville after a meeting with a publishing guy who basically told me I was good and had good stuff... but thats all. No "and here is what I want to do with/for you"... have to say I was a little disappointed, but mostly because I went in not knowing much about him and his business. Would not have been a good fit, i think. Dont just want to write Christian songs... dont just want to be a songwriter. But it was good to get him crossed off the contact list. I have opened that door and closed it. No ambiguity there- Except that he said he wanted to send the CD to a friend of his who does publishing in Amsterdam. Hmm. Not exactly what I had in mind.. but hey- remember the Phillipines.
I left that meeting and got on the road to the Twin Cities. Not the best way to make a fourteen hour drive, starting at 3:00pm. I had the show today at noon in Saint Paul, and figured i would drive until I was tired and then sleep in the car for a few hours, then drive on in and play the show. I dont like to drive at night anymore, really... I pretty much made Holly a promise that I wouldnt drive overnight anymore, but there really was no way to help it- I really had to meet with Mr. Amsterdam and then get to MN.
I drive until about two, pull over and sleep for an hour and a half in some parking lot, wake up cold and cramped, get back on the road, drive for another hour and then pull over again, leave the car on this time w/ the heat on, sleep for two hours, get up and drive on to Eau Claire, Wisc, only about an hour outside of St Paul, this time I (discreetly) pee and sleep for another few hours in a deserted Holiday Inn parking lot. ( runon sentence...who needs periods, anyway) Then I rolled into St. Paul and got ready for the show that no one in the student activities office knew anything about. Sit around and wait for the sound guy who might show up- and sing to the students, who might have noticed I was there, for about an hour and twenty interminable minutes. No one knows anything about any checks... i leave a message for my contact who wasnt there and head out for... well.... nowhere. I have to play here in town tomorrow night, so I am stuck here for a while. I think I might have a hotel room paid for me tonight if I can just get ahold of the coordinator lady. So... I drove down here and set up camp at a little dive of a coffee shop in Dwntwn St. Paul. This place is out of a movie. Teeny tiny- sign says COFFEE and INTERNET. The "INTERNET" is scrawled under the COFFEE in spraypaint. I walk in and the smoke about bowles me over. Its like, coffee, 75 cents... tattoo, cigarettes, and peircings required. Pool table, booths with video poker at every table, the ubiquitous Ms Pacman in the corner... I clear a table on my own and sit down with a chai and bagel sandwich- and pull up the wireless wonder of communication- the internet. Amazing.
Today is a day that I would trade. I would trade the drive- the (lack of) sleep- the smoke and french techno blaring over me right now- the mean, mean "barista" coffee lady with the metal in her face- the schools that pay you to do something that no one cares if you do or not... this is not what i wanted... exactly. BUT- I know that God is using this. Using me. I still have the distinct feeling that this day will move me further into His will, even in my lack of faith or appreciation for the opportunity to minister and witness to a hundred college kids today.
Truthfully-I say that I would trade all this- but thats a lie. I dont love it but it is where I am and where I can be His. I just wish Holly were not loving all this with me.

Radnor Lake

2005-03-05T13:12:00.000-06:00

I love Radnor Lake. Let me tell you why.
I am one of those guys who loves the outdoors but never actually does anything in it. Im not a hiker (although i like to think I would be). I am not a hunter (again, i think of myself as a good potential hunter). I am not a climber, jogger,runner, mountainbiker, or fisherman (that one hurts- i really think i am a fisherman, who just doesnt get to fish alot.) Most of what I do outside involves walking from my door to my car, or being paid to cut and trim someone elses outdoors for them.
BUT- there is a place... a magical, wonderful place only a mile from our house in Nashville. Right across the street from our church, there is a natural reserve/ state park that is very well maintained- about three square miles of lake, trees, hills, trails and wildlife. You can go for an hour or a day. You can walk along the pedestrian road with your dog or hike the trails along the ridge. From the top you can see Downtown Nashville.
For me- a place like this is heaven. I can go there with little to no preparation, get my wilderness/wildlife fix, and get home before whatever reality TV show(s) are on that night. Holly walks there during her lunch break. I walk there with the ever-impossible-to-walk-with Dante. We see snakes and owls and fish and muskrat and deer and birds and squirrels and all other kinds of woodland stuff.
We just got back from such a walk with the In-Laws. They came in for the weekend and we are spending the day doing Nashville stuff. BTW- is it rude to sleep in your own bed and put your in-laws on the aerobed? They didnt seem to mind, I dont know- but I slept well last night- hope they did.
We woke up this morning and had omelettes a la TJ- then went to Radnor- and came home to rest and change before heading out to Hillsboro Village and Downtown. We are going to eat at this great BBQ place tonight called Judge Beans'- all Texas beef BBQ that is sooo good. Almost like Abilene. They have the place decorated in all TX memorabilia- lots of UT stuff and anti- Aggie stuff all over the walls. It's fun.
Not sure Tennesee could pull off a TN themed restaurant... The Hillbilly House, maybe... complete with racoon sandwiches and possum soup.?
Anyway- good day today- glad to see the in-laws, even if holly is still trying to get over the flu/stomach bug.
Another boring, amazing day in Nashville... Good to be home and with Holly again.

The List

2005-03-04T00:28:00.000-06:00

I am a nice guy. I mean, seriously. Jocelyn was talking about how she gets taken by the insurance companies... Im right there with her. Even when I am trying to be a hard-ass (sorry, mom), I just can't. I am not a good negotiator, not a good enforcer, not a good substitute teacher- mostly because I am a nice guy. When telemarketers call- I usually let them say thier peice and then say no thank you several times before hanging up. I just have always felt like its not their decision to call me- its just a job. Why make a tough day any tougher for them? That has always been my position on telemarketing.
Today I made a decision. Holly and I are entering our number into the national "Do Not Call" registry.
We have, in the past, said that we were against such a list. We felt like people should be able to call and try their darndest to get you interested in investing in gold or buying magazines. After all, they are only using public information. I guess I also felt like it was not the role of the federal or state government to compile or enforce such a list. The Libertarian in me hates the idea of Uncle Sam telling businesses who they can and can't market to.
Today I decided to go against my gut and register. After staying home with Holly for two days, I was absolutely amazed at how many calls we got. We kept wondering why we would come home with fifteen hang-up messages on our machine.
I really think that because our names are not on this list- it must mean that we WANT to get a thousand calls a month. Amazing. I cannot keep my nice guy status and keep talking to these people every ten minutes. I will go postal and really freak out. So- if you are getting calls for all kind of trash too- here is the website.
To register, like me- the nice guy, just go to www.donotcall.gov .
Other than that- not much happened today. Holly got to be feeling better, we cleaned for Hollys parents who are coming in- we went to the Rose Pepper Cantina for dinner with some friends, then we came home and cleaned and talked and played with Dante.
Kind of a boring one today- Maybe tomorrow will be a better blog. day. blog. I do this too much.
TJ

Stay Away From Holly...

2005-03-02T09:53:00.000-06:00

Holly is sick. Not just kind of sick- she is the whole way sick. The last two nights have been not much sleeping- lots of puking. Pretty sure its the same flu bug that everyone else is getting... just thought we might avoid it this year. I had it earlie- but it didnt last very long. I have to say that she is the cutest sick patient tha I have ever seen... even with all the sickness- id still kiss her. sorr, im sure thats gross for most of you.
We have pretty much been at home for the last 24 hours... glad I came home when i did... Otherwise I would be coming home to a very sick, very grumpy Holly. It is bad enough to be missing someone- but being sick and missing someone? ugh.
I sit in the pappazahn chair and check email all day and she lays on the couch and wakes up every few hours to ask for water or tylenol or crackers. We even got some soup down yesterday, but it didnt stay down.
I have found that I like playing nurse. it is much more fulfilling than subbing at some ghetto school all day, thats for sure. I like to be able to meet her needs as a sick girl. Im good at the immediate stuff. Need water? I got it. Need kleenex? right here. Need me to pause the FRIENDS dvd? Done.
I think i could have been a good nurse. Blood doesnt really freak me out unless it is mine. Im not sure I would want to work with the other nurses... Ive seen ER- I know how things go... But for now- im just a guitar playing, blog addicted, male nurse for the day- or two.
Got meetings with several important people in Nshvle- Excited about that- one on monday- one the week after next. There are a few others that I have yet to get in to see... but we are getting there... slowly but shirley... shurely...surely. Going to try to get some of the new songs recorded for these meetings... as well as show them the DVD of the TUlsa show- which sounds like it looks good... my parents have only seen it but it is being FedExed today. Maybe a Live TJ DvD for sale in the near future? Hmmm. Lets see how it looks first. And pay off the CD. Only one payment left!!!! Have a good wednesday- stay well. stay away from holly. TJ

Numa Numa Dance (special edition)

2005-03-01T10:26:00.000-06:00

If you havent seen this you need to. Somebody ruined this kids' life. I guess I am now an accomplice.
Story at www.mattelliott.blogspot.com

http://uploads.ungrounded.net/206000/206373_numanuma.swf

over and out. TJ

Miss McMuffin

2005-02-28T15:47:00.000-06:00

So the Waco show was cancelled. At other times, in another universe, to another TJ McCloud, this would be a bad thing. A thing to fret over. Not this weekend. I had been out of town for two and a half weeks. I was ready to go absolutely crazy. Baylor called and wanted to reschedule the show- I was all for it. I have never been so glad to lose money before!
I played the last Abilene show (which went well, by the way), and packed up the next morning and got on the road to Nashville. Thirteen hours was nothing that day- I didnt tell anyone and just drove home, sounding sad on the phone with Holly but exploding in my heart because i knew that I was on my way to see her. Wow. Great feeling.
The Abilene shows were good. I felt bad for Tamara about the recruiting show- didnt have so many people show up... I have a prety good idea of how much they spent that night and I think that they expected more than fifty highschool kids to come. I had fun seeing everyone and spending time talking about my old alma-mater- but all in all- it was kind of a bust.
The second show was great- I played in the BeanSprout with Poor Rich Folk- lots and Lots of people there and a good number of CDs sold. that is always good news.
My sister and her best friend came with me to see the campus- i think they had a good time. They were a little tired the whole time- seemed like we just drove and drove and drove- but I think that they at least got a good look at ACU and what their lives would be like there.
OK- Saturday morning- My sis and her friend are staying in Nelson dorm- the girls they are staying with left for the night but they let them stay there alone. I get up- in a hurry to get back to Nshville and Holly- get to the dorm at the appointed time of 6:30am. No dice. No one there. I call my sis' cell- its is turned off. I call it again. still off. Hmmm. what to do.
I go into the dorm lobby and ask for the room's phone number to call the land line. There is this large girl sitting at the desk knitting, eating, and watching Japanimation cartoons- Dragonballz or something inane like that.I tell her the situation- my sis is in the dorm and I need to get her out- As I ask her for the number- she looks at me and lets me know that she doesnt approve of me. She's like nineteen. She gives me the number and I call- no luck. no one there- I call ten or fifteen more times and still no answer. Just Jordan's voicemail again and again. Ok. This is a help desk- surely she can help me.
I again let the desk girl know what is happening. Ask her if she could walk down and knock on 104 for me. Its like twenty feel away.
"I cant leave the desk- sorry." She goes back to watching and knitting and eating.
I am thinking- the desk or the egg mcmuffin...?
OK... so now what to do. I go back to the phone and try a few more times. Nada
Back to Miss McMuffin-
My name is TJ McCloud- Ill give you my ID or whatever- Ill watch the desk for thirty seconds while you go knock on a door.
"Im really sorry but i cant help you right now. "
Hmmm. OK.
I go out the the car- call my parents and get MP's friends' number- I call her cell... its off. I call Jordan's voice mail a few more times. TIck tock... I see myself gettting into nashville later and later. I just need to get the girls to Dallas and my parents will take them- then I can go HOME. This fat girl is now in my way.
OK- I go back into the lobby.
I tell her I am going to have to go wake the girls up if she cant go in there and do it for me. She tells me she cant let me do that. I ask her how she feels like she would handle this situation. She looks at me and says nothing.
You have crumbs on your chin. I wanted tosay it but didnt.
Can I hve the nieghbors number? 105 could knock on the door.
"Do youhave a last name? I cant give it to you without a last name."
She just gave me the other room without a last name.
I ask her what the dorm director's name and number is- maybe the dorm director will wake the girls up at seven and be happy about it.
She tells me that the dorm director is not in, but she would be happy to give me the number if I wanted it. At this point- I am wanting to strangle something.
I again explain the situation and ask her what she could do from the Help desk standpoint. What if there was a fire- would you wake up the girls, then? Would you leave your little japanimation, then? What if there was an emergency and I had to get the girls out of the room and cant get in touch with them.
Is there anyone who can walk down there and knock on that door? Anyone who can leave thier desk and do it?
This, apparently, was the magic question.
She looks at me as though I had solved the riddle and foiled her evil plan. She calls an RA.
NO ONE THERE!!!!
Is there any other RA that could do it?
She looks at me and burns her little beady eyes into my brain.
She picks up the phone and calls - Answer. Question. REsponse. hang up- "Shes going to knock on the door."
HallelujaH!!!! I won- I beat her! I won!!!!!
The girls were out in five and I was on my way. Only an hour late. All because I didnt know the magic words to get Miss McMuffin and her Japaniquilting butt into action at the HELP desk.
ACU- I miss you.

At least I got paid...

2005-02-23T14:39:00.000-06:00

Labette County Community College is not the place to have a concert. Drove up to Parsons, KS last night for the 8:00 show. It is only about 2 hours from Tulsa, so I left in the early afternoon and got there at four oclock. Along the way I tried to call the Campus activities person several times to let her know that I was on the way and see where they wanted me to stay tonight. No one home. Left a message and figured she would call me back. I call a few more time to see if I can catch her- nada.
I get there, look for the little road green sign that points me to the College, walk on campus, search for the campus activities office, find it- its locked, lights out. No sign. No other campus personnel can tell me where to check in. OK- not a big deal.
I drive down the main drag a few miles and start checking at different hotels and motels if I have a reservation.
Labette Cottage Inn (please, no).... never heard of me.
Kelsey Motel....never heard of me
Best Western .... nope.
Finally, the Super 8 crests the hill and I stop in to find my home for the night. Bingo- they know me and they have wireless internet access. Thats what I like to hear. I take a shower, watch CNN and get ready for the show- expecting a cell phone call from this lady at the school- nada.
I drive up to the school, notice on a flyer with my picture that the concert is actually in the campus theatre, find the theatre, open the doors, turn on the lights, and start to unload my equipment. At this point I am wondering if the lady has forgotten about the show...Hmm
Show is at 8:00- it is 7:15. They are supposedly providing sound. I set up all my gear and sit down at the piano they have backed up on the stage, and plunk around for twenty minutes.
She finally shows up at 7:40 and has a wrestler lugging a Fender Passport P.A. that he sets on the stage and leaves for me to figure out. She says about three words to me- Hi- "glad you made it"... maybefive words.
I set up the sound system while she goes and does something... i dont know-
I sit back down and wait for 8:00 to roll around. No one is in the theatre. Just me and the lights.At this point i am hoping no one shows up.
7:59... No one but me. The organizer rolls in at 8:10 and says--- well... i guess you can go!
In walks one of her other organizer buddies- and a student I met in the hall and invited- i think she might have been a student/janitor.
I mention that I can sit and play a few songs if they like- I hate to take their money with no singing at all- so we sit down and i play four songs and then pack up and leave. She forgot my check but I can pick it up in the morning.OK.
For this- I missed Scrubs and Committed. Oh well. Get home early- call Holly and talk for hours and hours while she organizes the closet and I watch silent CNN.Thank you Cingular family talk. Small pleasures are the best ones.
Today I just drove home and packed up for Abilene. Taking my sis and her best friend down for a little recruiting action. She will be a Wildcat yet, you just wait and see...

The End (finally) of StephenSpeaks

2005-02-22T12:32:00.000-06:00

Well, ladies and gentlemen, after seven years of fun, craziness, and being so mad I could throw up, StephenSpeaks is finally over for me. This is not something that came as a suprise- in fact, it is something I have been trying to get accomplished for a long time. Yesterday, Ryan Rockwell Ripperger signed a contract that says that I have no ownership or liability in the partnership that was StephenSpeaks. Basically, if anyone comes after him- they can't come running to me. I am pleased with this, not only because it protects me, takes care of a couple of legal questions that i had, but also because it puts the whole thing to bed for me. I dont ever have to be upset that (Rockwell) is still using the name StephenSpeaks because I just signed a contract that says he can. I still think it is a bad move for him, but I cant tell him what to do.
It is hard in some ways- I wrote most of those songs and sang them and performed them... it is wierd to think that someone else is now making a career off of covers of "Out of My League".
This contract means a lot to me- I have spent the last however many years of my life with the question of Ryan on my brain-knowing that we shouldnt work together, never knowing if I could trust him, never knowing if I am being cheated or not by "Rippley Records". All the horrible things this guy said about me on message boards and in emails... its all over. Nothing between us. No business relationship at all. Just old buddies who live in different towns. That is nice. I feel slightly warm feelings for the guy for the first time in years.
Ryan is a good guy. I still love him and in some ways consider him one of my oldest friends. We still, strangely enough, know each other pretty well. He just doesnt need to handle anything but his own life- and when we were in business together- well, we both were depending on each other and niether of us were dependable.
He is going to do well- he is talented and (i think) is a much better producer and engineer than a singer/songwriter. As for me- I'll keep doing this as long as I feel like it is heading somewhere- and right now, we are really getting to some good places with music.
It is good to have all this over and on paper and settled in our hearts. I am TJ McCloud- I can build a career on my own songs and name and image. That is so much better than running around trying to explain why Stephen is not at the show.
Today is Parsons, KS. A small town- I think the community college might be bigger than the town. Show starts at 8:00 and Ill come back after that and pick up Mickey Page and her friend to go to Abilene for the weekend. Should be a fun weekend- two shows in Abilene and some time to see Garrett and Jarod and the Pinsons and Alec and whoever else is around. Looking forward to it- wish me luck in Parsons- Love yall-

Interviews, Ripperger, and Hell

2005-02-21T12:09:00.000-06:00

The concert last night at 1st Pres went great- sold a good number of Cds and was able to talk to a bunch of kids- most of whom only knew StephenSpeaks- they all wanted to know why we broke up- and i gave them the nice version. Still trying in some ways to let people know that if they liked SS- well- im kind of the guy who wrote and sang all those songs... One at a time- I guess...
Have a couple of interviews today- one with the TV station that did the show on Saturday night and one with Urban Tulsa- Should be good exposure in this market, at least. Still hard to get the word out to everybody who is interested when you dont live in a place- just pass through several times a year. Tulsa, in many ways, is still my musical home-base.
It was good to be back at Park Plaza yesterday- ended up seeing bunches of old friends, etc. Always makes me really glad I dont still live in Tulsa, though. I wonder sometime what that life would have been like- but truthfully- I dont think I could have done it for long, in any case. I wonder at Ripperger- He seems to be happy here- that's great-but I would have thought Tulsa would feel too small for him. He and I are getting together for dinnner tonight- hopefully he will sign this contract and we will be officially done working together forever. Then, just old buddies who used to be in a band- not business partners.
News on Jonathan ******- sounds like he is doing better and better- if you are interested in keeping up and sending a message to the family- check out his family's blog- www.kievster.blogspot.com .
From here on out, today- I try to be a movie reviewer. Not sure why- but read on if you like.
---------TJ"S REVIEW OF CONSTANTINE-------
Last night I saw a crazy movie. As I have mentioned before- I like strange things. Things that would not interest most people. This falls into that category. Constantine, the new movie with Keanu Reeves, is a sci-fi, religious based horror/action/deep thinking movie. Kind of like the Matrix goes to hell, in some ways. Keanu plays the same morose character that he usually does- only this time with cigarettes. Based on a comic book series, this movie follows the Keanu character through his earthly (and otherwise) fight with both Heaven and Hell as he tries to keep both sides in balance and kill enough bad guys to earn his own salvation. Sound like an oscar winner?
Now- I was pumped about this movie. I love religious themed movies-it always interesing, if also mostly maddening. I convinced my sister to go with me (bad move) and we sat through two hours of not-good acting and disturbing world(eternity)view.
Hell, in the movie, looks like Los Angeles after the nulear holocaust. Everything is crumbling and firey- about like you'd expect. Demons, who look like Gollum with his head chopped in half, set to tearing up human souls. Pretty "Inferno"-based, and largely not too scary. If that is all Hell is- well its not Hellish enough. Great effects, but not especially original in any way.
The movie will spark some good conversations- but maybe more about the cross shaped shotgun Keanu wields than the theological underpinning of the film. High point:- Gabriel. At one point, this androgynous, slightly foul-mouthed angel answers Keanu's question-
"Haven't I done enough for Him (God)? What more does He want?"
Gabriel answers- "That's just not how it works- none of that matters to Him-He wants what he has always wanted- self sacrifice, repentance and faith."
Later in the movie- Gabriel continues- "All your sins, all your failings- and the Creator of the Universe has offered you complete redemption from yourselves. Just for repentance and faith. You are the only ones who can boast this claim, and still you ignore Him and wallow, mired in your own wretchedness."
I felt like that was pretty close for Hollywood. Apart from all the other theological mumblings of the movie- that gave me a little hope that people might take something good away from this. As for me- well... Im not a Rachel Weisczxcz(however you spell it) fan and while i really liked the (first) Matrix movie- i felt like this movie had the same problem as they last two Matrix films in many ways- too much underdeveloped philosophy to make the script compelling. As a Christian- I just wanted to scream at the writers- "Hey! Dont you get it that God and the Satan aren't exactly playing with the same deck of cards!!!?? And the movie's premise that God and the Devil can't directly intervene is heresy- considering Jesus was God's ultimate intervention.
In the end- same old same old. All the old, wierd Catholic stuff being drug back out and used poorly. Those things take the focus off of the more important (and scarier) realities of eternity. The idea that there are charms and magic latin words and undiscovered books of the Bible- disturbing portrayals of suicide- even the whole Son of Satan thing- its all here and really weighs down what could have been a pretty good, slick, thoughtful action film. In the end, I hope that it does spark some conversations- and I hope that none of you spend your money on this movie.

Jonathan's Accident

2005-02-19T22:37:00.000-06:00

I guess I wanted to talk about the show tonight- it went really well. We had a great time and the video footage will be amazing to have. They had six cameras, with a track, a couple of jibs (the long armed cameras), a fly camera (one of those guys on the crane... it was cool. Possibly going to air internationally with the" Live @Studio B" program with LeSea Broadcasting. That would be great, but I cant really talk about it now. It really doesnt seem to matter right now.
I just found out Jonathan ******, a friend and son of one of our elders at Otter Creek, was hit by a truck last night in New York City. He was walking across a street and was hit. He was hurt very badly and was in surgery for eight hours. He has no paralysis and no brain damage, but has lost so much blood that the doctors have said this week might determine whether he makes it or not. At this point I only know what i have heard from Holly- She told me and I seriously just dont know how to react...Jonathan is absolutely the golden boy of Otter Creek. You know him- the best looking, smartest, nicest, servant hearted guy who everyone and their dog loves. The kind of guy who im not sure i like at first because im not sure if he is for real. Well, he is, and Im really at a loss about this deal. He and I arent best buds or anything but I really look up to him. I keep feeling like- he has to be ok- hes Jonathan ******. I cant believe that God is done using him. He is absolutely amazing. Vanderbilt football player- perfect SAT scores, perfect grades, Missionary to Ukraine for a year, Accepted to Oxford for the Fall- He has got to be ok... right? I guess I just ask that you guys pray for him- Pray for his family- Pray for the Otter Creek family. This will be hard on everyone around there- no matter what happens. thanks- ill keep you all updated. Love you guys- TJ

A Busy Day in Tulsa

2005-02-18T23:04:00.000-06:00

Today was busy. Kind of.
Chapel show at 8am,
Jenks TV show at 10:30,
lunch meeting with Don Millican (he financed the album) at 12:00pm,
visit to my Gparents at 2:00,
and stealing chairs from my church at 4:00.
Then-
dinner with the 'rents at 6:00
and a screening of "Collateral" - again, w/ the parents.

The Chapel show went well- lots of cute kids who might just go buy a CD and come to the show tomorrow.
The Jenks show went good- I really had no idea there was a live audience- a "cousin" of mine set it up. I say "cousin" because he is actually the stepson of holly's 2nd or 3rd cousin. Seventh grade- definitely a fan- he is really a good kid and set this up with his teachers. We emailed back and forth for a month- now he has my cell #- calls me twice a day to talk about online RPGs... cracks me up. Got to figure out how to keep him from calling so much.

The lunch meeting w. Don went great- He is a great man who has a heart for using rescouces for God. He has been blessed financially and for one reason or another- decided to bless me. We are close to paying off the CD- he really could care less if we do or not- just excited to be involved. He really encourages me that God uses us in so many ways- we cant all be a hand, or an eye, or a wallet in the Body of Christ- but God will surely use us for His glory if we give ourselves to his will.

My grandparents- really getting old. Love 'em but they are slipping. Spent an hour or so teaching them how to use their new cell phones. They invited the whole Seniors group from thier church to the show- they say everyone will be there... Not sure i want the AARP sitting on the front rows of this televised concert... Maybe we rope off the first two rows.

We decided we might need more chairs for the show tomorrow- steal them from the House of God. Dad and I loaded them up - then he locked his keys in the truck. Now we know where i get it... An hour later- AAA showed up and spent twenty seconds pooping the lock. Scary its that easy.

Dinner was good- ran into an old buddy and his new fiancee- Josh Fugate. Good to see him and remember some middle school memories. Watching

Watching "Collateral" with my mom- yeah... maybe theres a better way to watch that movie. Tried to reason that the violence in this movie is no worse than flocks of birds pecking people to death in the Birds... she didnt buy it.

Concert tomorrow- be praying for me- i am nervous about this one... TV cameras and all...

Back from DUrant

2005-02-17T07:26:00.000-06:00

Back from the Durant show- it was good, but not well attended. Alas, yet another college show. Hard to do with no campus support, really. But- they treated me nice and I got paid- which is more than some, for sure. As I left they gave me a goodie bag full of fruit and cokes and chips and a honkin' sixfoot turkey sub wrapped in cellophane. At 10:00pm. Who am I- Joey Tribiani? I thanked them and threw most of it away- The turkey sub? Ate part of it for breakfast on the way home this morning.
Got up at 5am to drive back- had to make a chapel appearance in Broken Arrow by 9:00am. Snoozed until 5:45 -then booked it with my Turkey sub back to Tulsa. The chapel was fun- about 125 mid- to high schoolers at a private christian school. Led a little worship and then played the Christian cuts off the album. Sold ten Cds or so- went well- hoping these kids will come to the Saturday show.
Ok- the Saturday show should be really cool. We met with the production team that is doing the filming this morning and everything looks really professional. I am pumped about it- they will have four cameras taping and one of them will be on the fly- one of those crane deals... Im excited. Should be great video footage and they think that it might get international coverage on this Christian network- could be cool... not exactly NBC- but cool.
Tonight- hang with the Fam. Possibly get together with my Arch-nemesis Ripperger... just kidding- He's going to sign the contract I gave him so that i am no longer legally, financially, or otherwise liable for anything he does as StephenSpeaks. Whew. In return I give him the rights to the name and the old album... probably not the smartest business move, but it feels good to get it all over with. He's got no reason to post hate messages about me anymore- and I have no reason to wonder if he is screwing me when its in his best interest. It sounds like he has really grown up lately- me too, for that matter. I hope he does well- even if I don't think its a good move for him to use the name StephenSpeaks.
Well- enough talk- i gotta take a nap. see yall soon.

Lewis and Clark and Home

2005-02-16T01:04:00.000-06:00

Got to Tulsa after about a ten hour drive- not nearly as bad as i thought it would be. Mostly two lane the whole way- there is not good road straight south from SD to OK. Ended up seeing a lot of the country, though... these small, one light towns are always interesting and always leave me wanting to stop and walk around the square- see who the town's founders are.
I also found that I pretty much followed the Lewis and Clark trail much of the way. That was interesting, just thinking about the landscape and what it must have looked like to them. Also- taking solace in the fact that I am making the trip about six months faster than they did. I would have liked to have my own Sacajewea along, though.( I mean Holly- not some Indian girl).
As I pull into Tulsa, I start to feel strange- that feeling that you are returning... I dont care where, really- but somewhere that you knew and now is in some way alien to you now. I had the distinct feeling that the skyline was not mine anymore. Wierd. Im not sure I can even say with any conviction that I feel like an Oklahoman anymore- Not that I am singing Rocky Top every morning, but in many ways- Tennessee is home for me now. It's where just about everything I care about is- My wife, my dog, my chances at a music career, my church. About the only things not there are my Parents and my friends from school. Any of you who have moved feel that way? It really took me by suprise.
Even being at home in Tulsa feels strange now- without Holly. Like a part of me is missing. I love to see Mom and Dad, and am excited to hang with MickeyPage- but "home" really is where Holly is for me. Felt like a visitor in my Mom and Dad's house. I guess that is the first time I have felt that way. Pretty cool, i guess. Strange, but cool. I guess it's normal? Does this mean I am turning into a real- live adult?

Also- couldnt sleep and looked around the other blog pages- man, there is some stuff on there to give one pause about the future of the human race... I had no idea when i started blogging that I was entering into such a world full of screwball people. I mean, half the stuff on these pages I cant make any sense at all out of. On the flip side- Looking around these pages really reminds me that there are so many people who are broken and crying out for someone to help them. My first reaction is to point and laugh at these freakazoids- I think Jesus would probably let his heart break with theirs. Glad that Im a broken pot too- just wish I remembered it more.

Miles and Miles and Miles and Miles

2005-02-15T09:26:00.000-06:00

Today I am just driving. South Dakota to Oklahoma. Wish me luck. Pray for the Rav4. Pray for cheap Mid-Western gas. Pray that my books on tape dont skip or the tapes foul up. (that makes for an unhappy TJ) Love you guys- Im playing in Durant, OK tomorrow- come if any of you are close! ON the road again...

The Only Man in Yankton, South Dakota

2005-02-14T15:18:00.000-06:00

I am the only man in Yankton, South Dakota. Let me explain.
The night before last I played a show in Nebraska, just a few miles south of here. It was for a Community Kids organization and it was a blast. The organizers were cool- we got along well, and the kids all knew the music and we had a good time playing and talking to everyone all night. This bunch of highschoolers even asked me to come over to their house and watch a movie- made me feel pretty old- I opted for the pleasure of a decent bed and a call from Holly. They all went to the same church and invited me to come- so the next morning I went out and found this little community church. It was great- felt like family- everyone greeted and asked and invited... it was good. Things like that are seldom and far-between sometimes. I went to lunch with a family and they bought- I was riding high.
Just a short drive up the road to Yankton. The smell of Cows and the sound of the road are my only company on the road. No cars. I mean, none. Ok.
I pull into the Days Inn. Mine is the only car in the lot. Hmmm. That never means good things for the quality of a stay.. but in this case, I was wrong. It was fine. Just the only guy there.
After talking to Holly for a bit, I decide that I would go see a movie to pass the time. Boogeyman. I dont recommend it. I was the only person in the Mall where the theatre is. I was the only person in the theatre. No- not just where the seats are. I mean the whole building. Me and the ticket-taker, who was really excited that I was there. I watch the movie- shake off the chills it gave me, and head out to find some dinner.
Now, I have a weakness. Bad Chinese restaraunts. If I was Superman- General Tso's chicken would be my kryptonite. I see some generic chinese food place and think- why yankton? If I were an immigrant, I would not have chosen South Dakota for starting my chinese food empire... but ok. It was decent enough. Not exactly Evergreen (Garrett?) but it did what it was supposed to. I look around half way through dinner and realize i am the only person in the Lucky Dragon or the Happy Fun or whatever it was called. Me and the smiling owner- who is looking at me trying to decide if i like the food or not. I smile and raise a little chopstick toast to him. He seems satisfied and brings me the bill.
I go back to the Hotel. Still no one there. The night desk is even empty. Blade II is on TV for the third time since I have been on the road. Well.... ok. Why not? I watch it and talk to Holly and wonder if all the people just hide when they see me coming. I imagine that this would make a good start to a horror movie. The only man in Yankton. Well- the concert is tomorrow- and hopefully I wont be the only person there, too...
Today is Valentine's day, and I am a long way from the one I love... but Im for real when I say that it makes it easier to know how much love and support she gives me, not to mention all the sacrifices of time and money she has made to be married to a idiot like me. For those things, and many more- I love her so much... even when it feels like Im the only man in Yankton.

oh- and i found a great singer/songwriter that I like these days. Andy Davis www.andydavisonline.com check him out. If you like me- you'll like him too. TJ

God is Smarter than Me

2005-02-11T19:36:00.000-06:00

I really have trouble believing that God has it all under control. There are times that I am just sure that something cant happen- something that I need or really want. I stew and stew about it, try and make something happen- force it- and then when I fail or give up, God hands it over with not much problem at all.
I was sure that no one would come to the Searcy show. I really hadnt promoted it at all and only had a few flyers up.
I get there and expect a few people at a little coffee house off the campus- and I walk in to see about three hundred and fifty kids packed into this place waiting for me to get there an hour before I started playing. It was great. I really had a blast playing and telling stories all night long. There were several people I knew there- kids who had gone to the Dominican and kids from Park Plaza... it was a great start to this tour. The night before that had been good too- at Central Methodist. I expected an empty room and I got thirty eager students who all bought CDs. One of these days I guess i might trust that God has a plan and that I can only prepare myself as best I can.
Today i am in Russelville, AR and I am playing at Arkansas Tech. I played the lunch hour and it was ok- basically a good time to practice- no one really listens at lunch- but tonight I am playing in the same place for a group of students who I think will be excited for me to be there- There are at least three crazy blondes who are pumped that I am here. They kind of follow me around Arkansas. I have to say Im kind of flattered.
I have decided to catalog the good things that have happened in the last month. I think it will help me see what God is doing when it is harder to recognize. There are times when I feel down about this stuff- like im wasting my time. But it is these things that fall into my path that keep me convinced that Im still doing the right thing. The list- tomorrow. for now- ill go and play a show and try to sing and talk and act out the story of God in my life.

Leaving Sucks

2005-02-09T22:13:00.000-06:00

So this morning I left a soft, warm bed with a beautiful woman in it (yes, my wife, Holly) to drive thousands of miles into nasty weather and be gone for over three weeks. I have to say, I am as unhappy to leave as I have ever been. I am glad for the shows and excited for the opportunity to sell Cds and sing about the Lord, but this one is hard. We had thought that we would be traveling together by now- the more we did this we realized it would take longer than that to get there. It is hard to do something that you know that you are supposed to be doing, and also leave the person you know that you are supposed to be with. My prayer right now is that the month is unusually short and that the joy of doing what I know I am most effective doing outweighs the sadness of being in South Dakota on Valentine's Day. Ugh.
The CD is selling well and getting good reviews, there are several people who are actively helping me to get it into the hands of "important" people, and I have had a great two months at home during the Holidays. I just still have this feeling that I can be doing this better- more effectively. That maybe shows outside of my "fanbase areas" arent helping, but hurting my growth. We have both decided that we see so many doors opening rather than closing, and until that changes, we will do this as best we can. Im just wondering what that will look like. In any case, I still believe that God is blessing this CD and that he is using it in some cool ways. Im still humbled and honored to be a part of that- Im not down about the way things are going- Im just trying to be honest and take a hard look at the truths and how this can be even better than it is. Thanks yall for your support and love- Keep praying for me and that God would open and close doors- and give me eyes to see them! Love yall- TJ

2004 wrapup

2005-01-07T21:47:00.000-06:00

2004 has been an amazing year. I can't even imagine a year so full of suprises and blessings to come. I dont know why i allow myself to expect the worst- it seems that rarely ever is the truth. This last year has been beautiful beyond any of my own expectations, and yet here at the start of another- I really do have these nagging suspicions that it is all going to end- that I am not doing as much good as I hope, that I really need to rely on myself to get the important stuff done. When will I stop being so stiff-necked and rely on God? When will I trust that God is in control and I dont have to pretend to be? In so many ways, I doubt that God either will or can take care of my life, my work, my heart. But if anything is true, it is that everytime I pick up the reins and try to steer the ship- we run aground. My NewYears Resolution- my NewLife Resolution is to let go. To give God what is God's - everything. Can i do it? Can I trust a God who has given me everything? Can i leave my own life at his feet and trust him to protect me- to lead me- to love me like He has promised? Let's hope so.

TJ is a sick, sick pansy

2005-01-04T15:58:00.000-06:00

I have been soo sick. Maybe I am just a pansy, but I am not sure I have ever been so ill in my entire life. We're talking "Im I going to make it?" ill. Here's what happened:
New Years Eve- Dinner, Movie- some big bright balls dropping- then we go to bed. We're not 18 anymore- no reason to stay up any longer than the ball.
2:00 am, New Years Day - I start to throw up. Ugh. Go to the couch- maybe I just ate something bad.
3:00 am- Again- more blowing chunks. What's going on, here?
4:00 am- Upchuck, upchuck, upchuck. this is not normal for me.
5:00 am. Nothing left- Dry Heaves. The most horrible feeling on earth, maybe.
Holly hears me- takes control of the situation- puts my shoes on me and takes me to the hospital. Im still moaning that im going to be fine, its no big deal.
We go to the hospital and do the ER thing- of course it's New Years Day, and every drunk in town is in there with the exact same symptoms that I have- so lets say they dont exactly rush around to help. Every doctor was like..."Sooo... have we had a little much for New Years?" I wanted to scream. At this point, an interesting feeling came over me. I say interesting because i have never felt it before- other than that I would describe it as my whole body being on fire. I couldnt touch anything. I couldnt let anything touch me. The sheet was too heavy. The gown was excruciating. The IV felt like it was being super-heated.
After four hours, they sent us home. Just a bug, they said. Well, a pretty big freaking bug if you ask me. i thought it was over.
We get home and my temp starts to rise and I feel worse than I ever did, only this time with the knowledge that i have been to Vanderbilt and they dismissed it as a bug. I start to think maybe Vandy doesnt know all that much...
Chills, Fever, Sweats, Chills Fever, Sweats... You know the drill. Another day of that.
Through it all, Holly was the consummate nurse. She was fearless and kind- and always put a little straw in my glass so i could drink it. She forced the Gatorade down me, and the Wheat Thins. In short, she saved my life.
Thats the real reason I write all this... to tell you how crappy I felt and how good she made me feel. In fact, she does that quite often, not just when im blowing chunks. Thank God for Holly. I do.

Canada comes Calling

2004-12-27T11:57:00.000-06:00

Well- Holly and I made a purchase today. In the true spirit of Christmas, after recieving more than we need or want in the form of gifts, we proceeded to go to the local malls and bookstores to spend even more money on ourselves. While browsing through the 3 for $25 used DVD collection at the local Blockbuster, we spied a copy of a little movie called "Decoys". It looks like a movie that you wouldnt pick up at the movie store for fear that others might see you looking at the back... and it is one of those movies. But this movie is special to Holly and I. This movie is a milestone in the life/career of TJ McCloud. This is his soundtrack debut.
Let me explain. Some of you know this story- others may not. About a year and a half ago, I got a call from a very serious sounding lady who said she represented a film company. I said- "..ok... great... what can I help you with?"
She asked me if I was TJ McCloud and I said something smart like... "Last time I checked."
Yeah. Cute.
Then she asked me if I was the writer of a song called "The Airplane Song", aka "Miles Between Us".
"Yes, that's me", I said.
"The director of a movie we are producing would like to use your song in his film. Are you who we need to speak to? Should I talk to a manager?"
"Nope. Im all those people."
So here I am on the phone with someone who wants to put one of my songs in a movie. Thoughts start to rush through my head. What if its some amazing indie flick that will win every award at Cannes? What if it gets picked up by some major for distribution and the song becomes an anthem for broken-heartedness everywhere? So We begin to talk about the movie.
"Where are you located? Is this a full length picture, like not a student film or anything?"
She assured me that it was in fact a fully budgeted, full length film by an independent Canadian film company.
"Oh." Canada. Hmm.
"Well, what kind of film is this- genre, or whatever?"
"Well- it's a sci/fi-horror film"
All my Hollywood daydreams withered on the vine.
An independent Canadian sci-fi horror film.
"Alright- uh... whats the plot- I mean does this song even work for y'all?"
She began to explain the plot of the movie. "Aliens, disguised as college sorority girls, are killing all the young men on campus."
Sounds reasonable enough.
A horrible thought went through my head.
"This isn't a porno, right?"
She laughed. No, of course not. She described it as featuring only minimal T&A. She actually used the term T&A. Ok.
"What's the budget for the song?" I asked, realizing that there could be something good to come out of this.
" Two hundred dollars, American."
Immediately I realized that there was no way anyone, let alone anyone I know will ever see this movie. No chance of Grandma coming across TJ's music in the middle of an alien sex romp- no chance that any of my friends will see the movie and realize that it was not as big a deal as I might allow it to seem... only good can come of this. Two hundred dollars I could use at this point, and the ability to say I have a song in a movie. Deal. Let Canada have the song.
I agreed and told them to send me the papers to sign. They did, I signed and I never heard anything else about it.
Earlier this fall, at the close of the recording process for "Kind of Life", Donnie Boutwell and I were sitting in his studio mixing one of the songs. Donnie is a sci-fi junkie and keeps the sci-fi channel on 24-7, even while he is working, just with the sound down. As we listen to the music, staring absent-mindedly at the TV screen, a trailer for a movie comes up. All I see is college girls, aliens, and the title- but I knew, just knew that it was the one.
"Donnie!!! TH-TH-THATS MY MOVIE!!!!"
"What?"
"That's my movie- the aliens- the college girls- it's called "Decoys"- that's my movie!"
I hurriedly told him the story. The movie was coming on the sci-fi channel that evening at 7 oclock. I called Blake Howard and we got together to watch it. At this point, I didnt even know if they ended up using my song or not. I never heard anything back from them and figured that if the movie had gone into sydication for national TV- they might let me know. Nope. This little indie Canadian horror film had made it into the television... my television. I was kind of pumped... but nervous. This movie could really be bad.
We watched. And watched. And watched. Then, at the end of the movie- after all the alien vixens had been melted, burned, staked or gunned down, the main character and his girlfriend finally got together. Insurmountable circumstances had brought them to this final moment and they were proclaiming thier love for one another and in the back ground- shhhh... here it comes. The Airplane Song. How sweet. I had thought that there was no way to make a sad song about losing love fit into a monster-fest, but I was wrong. Here- at the end of the movie....
And then she turns into an alien and eats him. End of movie. Roll credits.
I laughed for a long time. I'm glad they killed my song like they did.
Since then, i have gotten the occasional email from Nova Scotia asking where to find the song... Apparently it was a hit in Canada. Cool. I mean, it's no Phillipines... but what the heck.
My In-laws stumbled on the movie in the video store (look for it at your local Blockbuster), and knowing my song was in it- rented it, sat down and watched it. They blushed when they told me they had seen it. I did too. Grandma, to my knowledge, has not seen it yet.
So- here we are at Christmas, spending money at Blockbuster's that we really don't have, on a movie that we really won't watch, as a momento for the time when Hollywood- well, not Hollywood... Canada came knocking on TJ's door. www.decoysmovie.com

Clark W. Griswold

2004-12-25T12:46:00.000-06:00

Have you ever seen Christmas Vacation?
I feel like Clark W. Griswold. I think that he and I are pretty much made of the same stock. I usually start off whatever it is I am doing with the best intentions, however ill-planned or misconcieved. Things rarely turn out like I think they will- and usually for the worse. I tend to make decision that myself and those around me end up paying for- one way or another. So this year- I want to tell you about our trip - because i am Clark W. Griswold.
It is good to be here in Chicago with the in laws- mainly because we werent sure we would make it. After leaving town on Wednesday night- we started the two hour drive to Paducah, KY to pick up my in law's dog that was staying at my aunt's kennel. Well- it was on the way to Chi-town, anyway. Did I check the weather? Yes. Did I believe the weatherman? Not really. About Clarksville we got into some snow. No suprise, really, we knew there was a storm coming but thought we could beat it into KY. uh huh.
After two hours of driving 25 miles an hour, pulling over every ten minutes to beat the ice off of the wipers, we finally came to a stop. Us and every car on I 24. Traffic had backed up for miles and miles and miles and miles. This was at about 7:30 pm. We figured there was a wreck and we would get clear in an hour or so. Sure. CLark would look on the bright side too, i bet. Nope. Four hours come and go. Surely we wont be here much longer. Tick, tock. Another four hours, worried about gas, we shut off the car and got out the blankets. Nada. No Highway Patrol, no snowplows, no National Guard. All night long we sat on the Highway, waiting for something to happen, within eyesight of a Days Inn and and Hampton. Did I bring food and water? No. Just Diet Coke and a loaf of Christmas bread that was a fortunate gift from Holly's work.
If we could just get off the Highway... We thought about abandoning the car- but what if the line starts moving? We thought about trying to offroad it- (after all, we are in the Rav 4) Nope. The other cars started to empty around us- people getting out, conferring with each other, trying to get some news about the situation. Nada. No radio address, no loudspeakers on the highway- nothing. At some point- we had to use the restroom. But do we trek out into the snow to find a dead bush? Do we go outside and pee in front of the other thousand people standed behind us? We are already too cold for our own good. What do we do? Thank you, Diet Coke bottles.
Will we ever leave this patch of snow on 24? Will they just come to dig out our frozen bodies when it suits them? In the morning- someone gets news. They are clearing the road- it will be a few more hours. Like Four. Apparently- the Kentucky Patrol, Highway Divisions, and the National Guard all decided that we could just wait it out until morning. No attempts to clear the roads until then. Meanwhile- I was awake and bleary eyed at four A.M., convinced that someone would come any minute. Thanks for that. Merry Christmas.
After Fourteen hours sitting on the same patch of I-24, we finally started to move. The two hour trip to my aunts house turned into a twenty one hour adventure, complete with camping( in our car), snow skiing(my car did the skiiing) , and mild frostbite (my big toe is still kind of numb). So- this Christmas I am thankful to be anywhere but there. Lesson. Do not try to beat nature. You are not smart enough or strong enough to think that seventeen inches of snow cannot stop you from getting to your destination. Lesson. Do not travel without food, water, and large empty bottles with good-sized openings. Lesson. If your Christmas plans end up on the national news, it is usually not a good thing. Lesson. Do not travel with TJ. (some of you already know this.) So- merry Christmas. Clark would be proud. Play Ball!

Holiday Happiness

2004-12-17T11:01:00.000-06:00

Well- like some of you know- I love the Holidays. I love the weather. I love the friends and family. I love the commercials. I love the presents. I love the food. For me- Thanksgiving to NewYears really has become the pinnacle of my year. But this was not always so. I used to hate the holidays.
There were really several reasons for this. One- it was hectic. We had, growing up, several branches of the family that were usually pretty close- so it was always, at least for my selfish teenage brain, cleaning and hurry and traffic and travel and stressful- not to mention the holiday performances. Yes- for those who dont know- I was in the monster of an extra-curricular activity we like to call ShowChoir. (Also known as "Show-Queer") At several points through the year, myself and eleven other misguided youth would don sequined vests and bowties and sing and box-step the new year in with an extra helping of yuletide cheese.There are pictures that I have tried to supress. I mean, we got down.
Christmastime was the worst. We performed at every corporate dinner, nursing home, and church luncheon in the city, it seemed, all for the joy of doing it. I have to admit- I did enjoy it. At that point in my life- as now- i would do anything to be in front of people. But what it really did was kill my love for Christmas music and quashed my Holiday spirit. I didnt realize it at the time, but as I now have some time and perspective on these events... i know that had I continued in that vein- Christmas might have been lost on me. Now I would probably love to do it- minus the sequins- but then- I think it was just too much. Yuletide overload.
So, now.. as Christmas represents a break from the song-and dance routine and a great excuse to eat sugar cookies, I love it. I love the chance to take a breath and enjoy the people I take for granted through the year. Maybe my dog and I will bond... (he hates me- loves Holly. go figure.) Maybe I'll get the Return of the King extended version...(Holly are you reading this?) And finally- maybe, just maybe I'll make some time to thank God for the amazing life that He has blessed Holly and I with. Love you guys- Merry Xmas, yall. TJ